I remember vividly when I was a kid, riding in the back of my friend's family's old green station wagon as her older sister brought me home from one of our countless sleep overs. I watched from the back seat as her sister, who was in college and maybe 21 at the time, navigated the car through the winding back roads of my hometown, effortlessly driving with one hand on the wheel, the other flicking through the limited radio stations. I remember thinking "wow... she's so grown up" and having a hard time imagining how I could ever get that old. It's difficult for a nine year old brain to grasp that.
So here I am, five years older than she was on that sunny summer drive, and I'm still wondering when I am going to feel "grown up." I have done a lot of growing, that is true. I am no longer the insecure little girl in her group of friends because she's "too tall" or "too big" or "too strong" - I now embrace those qualities. I am no longer worried about what others think of me when I wear a bikini or a crop top because "I'm not skinny enough" - instead, I rock it with confidence. I am no longer always looking for approval, afraid to make anyone upset or hurt feelings - I now speak my mind and stand up for myself, right or wrong, and able to admit when I am the latter. I have definitely grown, but I don't feel as if I'm "grown up" yet. You know, that adage of looking around for an adult and realizing you are the adult? That's my life every single day.
Earlier this month, I hit my breaking point. My car has been in the shop for almost a month, something that is going to cost us a ton of money we don't have to spare, I'm sure. I've had to rely on others to get to and from work, which is embarrassing and frustrating. Luckily, I have a great group of people who don't mind helping me out, but it's still makes me feel like I'm not "adulting" right. On top of that, I discovered a blood clot in my leg a couple of weeks ago, which warranted a couple of trips to the Emergency Room. Thankfully, it was not serious, and has since improved greatly, but it was a wake up call, and a terrifying one at that.
Blood clots are caused by a number of things. I was on a particular type of birth control that has a heightened risk of causing blood clots. Couple that with my already existent varicose veins and being overweight, stressed, and always on my feet - perfect storm. They say when it rains it pours, and August was most definitely a month of storms and torrential downpour, one I feel like I barely go out of with my sanity intact. Although, it's not all rainbows and life rafts now.
I blamed myself. For going to college and allowing myself to get into debt. For picking a lemon car that has been nothing but issues since we got it. For gaining weight back and allowing my health to become so unimportant to me that something like this could happen. For not exercising, for not paying enough attention to warning signs something was happening to me (see my last post) and for just generally allowing my life to get so out of control. I fell back into those patterns I'd become so familiar with; obsessing over weight, calories, the number on the scale, as if controlling that could help me regain control of my life. I started a ketogenic diet, which is super low carb and high fat/protein based diet designed to help you drop weight fast. (Before anyone starts lecturing me on why keto is not a maintenance diet and I shouldn't do it, I'm aware. Thank you for your concern.) I started weighing myself again multiple times a day, obsessed with every ounce lost or gained and letting it completely determine my mood. Sounds a lot like how I started out in the first place, doesn't it? Funny thing about patterns; they repeat.
That's why, entering into this new month, and my next chapter of life in my "late twenties", I am changing the view of this little corner of the internet I call my own as well. I will be blogging about fitness and weight loss still, of course, but also focusing more on what it's like to be a plus sized woman in today's world. What it's like to overcome insecurities and body shaming as well as my struggles with both. What it's like to feel good about myself despite everything else this world has to throw at me. I will be sharing fashion tips, tricks, yummy recipes, and overall empowering information and experiences for others on the same road as me. I am determined, in this twenty-sixth year of life, to break the cycle of feeling like I need to be a number on a scale to be happy, because most days that is absolutely true. I'm working to make the only number I care about to be 100% comfortable and confident as often as I can, and hoping you'll join me.
That being said... I am thinking I need a new name for this space. So, I will be holding a contest to name my new blog! Everyone who comments with a name will be entered in the drawing, and the prize will be a handmade sassy cross stitch of your choosing if I pick what you've suggested. Keep in mind, this is going to be a body positive, plus sized safety zone full of humor, hacks, fun, and freedom to be who you want to be.
Deadline is September 30th, or as we in my house like to call it, the D.O.B. (Day of Brooke) You may comment here, in a personal message on Facebook, or a DM on Instagram (brookiknowsbest) with submissions. In the meantime, I will be revamping this blog to reflect it's new purpose.
Here's to a new chapter!
xoxo
