Fire Starter

Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

For most of us, this was one of the first lessons we learned in school. Or maybe daycare. I know I learned it as soon as I was old enough to understand what it meant; be nice and others will be nice back. Act like an asshole, and... well, you know the rest. 

My entire life, I have done my best to follow this adage. Of course, some people missed the day this valuable lesson was taught in school - we have all encountered them. "Negative Nancy" or "Debbie Downer", always with a raincloud over their head. The insecure, emotionally injured, overly anxious, utterly unbalanced people that seem to suck the joy right out of a room. A naysayer, always looking for the dark, the drama, and the downside of anyone and everything in their paths. 

At first, it's something you can brush off. They must be having a bad day. I'm not going to let it get to me. Can't get me down!

Then it starts to seep into your very being, like a dark ink stain on your favorite shirt, until you find yourself scowling for no reason and feeling the Negativity Knot deep in the pit of your stomach. Why is she looking at me like that? Ugh, that shirt is so ugly. She's too fat for that. Why can't I be that confident to wear whatever I want? I really suck. Why do I even bother?

So on and so forth. 

The worst part is, once you are tainted by that ugly ink of Negativity, you then become a pen yourself, staining others in your wake. 

The quote at the beginning of this post is from the movie called "The Secret" (you can find it if you search it on Youtube.) It is an excellent watch, and I recommend it to anyone. We watched a clip of it in the last Herbalife coach's meeeting I went to a few weeks ago. The basic theory? 

You guessed it - the Golden Rule. 

What I found interesting, though, was it wasn't in relation to others, as was taught to us in gradeschool. It was in relation to yourself. 

Trippy, right? How does that even work? 

The basic principle is this: treat yourself the way you want to be treated, send out positive vibes into the universe in everything you do, and the universe will give you that positive energy in return. 

For example, thinking "I don't want to be fat anymore" is actually a negative idea. You are drawing attention to what you don't want, therefore opening doors of energy for negativity to come through. How many of you have said this? All of us at some point, I'm sure. And what does it do for your well being to think that way? 

Not a damn thing.

It perpetuates the negative feelings you have for your weight, thus causing you to spiral deeper into feeling negative overall and continuing the cycle. Instead, you have to change your thinking to positive, such as "I want to lose weight," or "I want to get healthy." Take it a step further, and affirm things about yourself you want to be true, or already know to be true. 

"I am beatiful"... "I love myself"... "I deserve to be happy"... "I am perfect just as I am"... "I have a killer ass"... "I am grateful for my health" etc. etc. 

Go beyond the physical - what are you good at? What are your goals? Where do you want to be in a year, 6 months, next week? Visualize, verbalize, conceptualize, and actualize! It's all about your mindset, and positive thinking is the biggest step towards getting what you want in life. 

This is something I have really begun working on in the past month. I have always been "that girl" - heavier than all my friends, taller than any other girl in my social circle. The boys didn't look at me like they looked at other girls, probably because I could beat most of them up until Sophomore year of high school. Even then, I was seen as a "buddy", an athletic tomboy who wasn't "sexy" or "pretty" or "hot" in the conventional sense. I carried that weight, was tattooed with that negativity ink, throughout the majority of my adolescent and young adult life. It wasn't until the past year that I've really worked on letting go of what I "should" look like and embraced what I am - a badass, beautiful, brilliant, breathtaking woman who is not defined by how others view and evaluate me on a scale of 1-Megan Fox (or Scarlett Johanson... I've always thought she was a babe.) 

It's a struggle. Anything worth having is. Positive thinking is a lifestyle change, just like changing your eating habits or exercise routine. It is part of the total wellness package, and something you must strive to achieve even through the tough, awful, overwhelming times where you just want to lay down and quit. It's something you have to fight for every. Single. Day. Until it becomes routine, and then you are suddenly finding positivity and gratitude in everything you do, everything you see, and everyone you know.

So, now I challenge you! A simple exercise in gratitude... right now, stop and think of three things your are grateful for. 

No, really think about it. Picture it.

Feel the fire in your chest? That burning at the edges of your ribcage that feels like it's going to explode? That's graditude. That's potential, positivity, and purpose. All that lives inside of you. Every single second of every single day. 

Challenge yourself to do this exercise once a day, whenever you think of it. Whenever you need it. Take note of the changes happening around you once you start, because they will happen. In little sparks here and there, so small you might not even notice them if you weren't looking. They are there, and they will continue to grow. A fire is inevitable when you rub two sticks together long enough, right? 

It's amazing the fire you can ignite with a little bit of gratitude. 

Herbalife - The Quick and Dirty

Let me just start this post by making it very clear that I do not intend this to become a platform for Herbalife sales. I do not want this little corner of the internet I call my own to be "that kind" of a place. However, it is part of my weight loss journey, at least at this point, and so I believe it needs explaining.

Those of you who follow me on Instagram and/or Facebook have undoubtedly seen my recent blasts for Herbalife products. Many have reached out to me within the past few days, looking for an explaination of products and how to get started themselves. Even more have simply asked for information, which I have realized can be a daunting task for a number or reasons. One, because there is SO MUCH information on these products, I just want to tell everyone EVERYTHING about them. Two, because all those who have inquired about Herbalife have done so via Facebook, Email or Text, which is my preferred method of communication and easiest for most. That, as you can imagine, becomes difficult at times, especially due to the aforementioned fact that I want to tell EVERYONE EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND YES YES YES PLEASE PURCHASE THESE PRODUCTS AND START FEELING BETTER BECAUSE IT'S AMAZINGGGG!!! 

And so, at the request of a few loyal followers of this blog, this post will be dedicated to describing my Herbalife experience so far, hopefully answering any questions you may have along the way. Most importantly, if at the end of this post you are interested in starting your own program, I will be more than happy to assist you in ordering your products to get started ASAP. 

I think the best way to attack this is to do a Q and A of some of the questions I have been asked over the past few days. 

Q: How did you hear about/get started on Herbalife?

A: My Herbalife journey started a couple of months ago. I knew that we would be moving to the Dover area, and so I hit up Craigslist to start looking for work. In the Health/Fitness/Spa section, an add for "Wellness Coaches Wanted" struck me as intersting, and so I applied. I ended up in a small Health Club in Concord, NH, where I was introduced to Herbalife. 

My guess is you can't throw a stone without hitting someone you know who has tried Herbalife. You definitely know someone who has heard about it. So why aren't more people doing it? 

Like myself, at first, most people are skeptical. I figured I would order some products, give it a try, and see how it went. I signed up right then and there and waited anxiously for my starter kit in the mail. A few days later I had my products, and was instantly hooked. 

Q: What do you like most about Herbalife?

A: For me, I love how easy it is to follow the program. Two shakes, two snacks, and one meal a day. I typically do my two shakes as breakfast and lunch, have a snack around 10:00am and 2:00pm, and then make a healthy meal for dinner. I'm not much of a breakfast person, so being able to blend up a shake or pop some powder and water into a shaker bottle and go is my best chance at eating a meal before noon. The eleven different flavors of Meal Replacement Shake, teas, protein bars, and countless other goodies Herbalife offers are definitely positives as well. 

Q: What do you use?

A: I use the Formulas 1, 2 and 3, Protein Powder, the herbal tea, and mango aloe concentrate. I also purchase LiftOff and protein bars, for energy boosts and on-track snacking purposes. 

Q: ... what the heck did you just say?

A: Here is where it gets tricky to do via text message, as you can imagine. So, if you're wondering what these products are and why they work, THIS SECTION IS FOR YOU!!! 

Herbalife's basic idea is "Nutrition is as easy as 1, 2, 3!" which refers to their Formula 1 Healthy Meal Replacement, Formula 2 Multivitamin, and Formula 3 Cell Activator. 

Formula 1: The powder. Throw this stuff into your smoothies that you already make for an added protein boost. Blend it up with some ice and water on it's own, because it tastes delicious. Seriously. Like cake. Or candy. And there are literally HUNDREDS of combinations and ways to prepare your shake so you never get bored. Chocolate covered cherries? No problem. Peanut butter pie? Bring it on! Pistachio, which happens to be The Mister's favorite flavor, strawberry cheesecake, blueberry cheesecake, orange creamsicle, grasshopper pie, key lime - the list is literally endless. And everything I just listed is NOT the actual powder flavor. Those are all just incredible creations that Herbalifers have come up with over the years. 

Formula 1 is best when combined with Herbalife's Protein Powder, which comes in either Chocolate or Vanilla. I know you're probably saying "why do you need to add more protein to something that is already packed with protein?" You don't <i>need</i> it, but it aids in easy blending with just water in a shaker bottle, which is usually how I prepare my breakfast on the way out the door. It also gives you that extra boost of protein to help keep you full and satisfied until your first snack of the day. Because protein keeps you full. And helps you burn fat. And build lean muscle. And create general awesomeness and bad-assery all around. 

Follow me so far? Great. 

Formula 2: The vitamins. You take one three times a day with each meal you have (two shakes, one meal.) They are specifically formulated so each vitamin is only milligrams different from the next, as opposed to store-bought vitamins that can vary significantly. They give you 21 vitamins and nutrients, including folic acid, calcium, and Vitamin C. 

Formula 3: The cell stuff. These little pills are taken at the same time as the vitamins, which makes it easy to remember for those of you who are as scatter-brained as I am. These guys wake up the mitochondrial membrane in your stomach to aid in complete absorption of nutrients you're pumping in there with the multi-vitamins, the shakes, and whatever else you decide to eat during the day. 

Those are your basic baseline products. Still with me? Alright. 

Herbal Tea and Aloe Concentrate: The herbal tea comes in original, lemon, raspberry and peach flavors. 1/2 teaspoon per 8 oz of water and you have a delicious, metabolism boosting beverage to sip on all day. Pair it with the aloe concentrate, in either original or mango flavored, and you have the "drink and shrink" combo that not only busts fat but aids proper digetstion. I put this healthy cocktail into my Nalgene bottle and drink it all day, or throw some fruit infused ice cubes into a glass and pour it over. You can add mint or basil, blend it up with ice to make a slushie, or make it into an energy-packed Tea Bomb with some LiftOff.

LiftOff: Herbalife's answer to energy drinks. One little tab dissolved in liquid gives you the energy of a big-name brand, high-octane energy drink without the heart palpatations, jitters, or crash afterwards. To quote The Mister on it's energy boost, "I feel like a squirrel in a coffee can." LiftOff comes in Lemon-Lime (tastes JUST LIKE Mountain Dew), Ignite-Me Orange (Orange Soda), Lemon-Cola Kick (Lemon Coke), and Tropical Fruit (Hawaiian Punch). It fizzes up, like Alka Seltzer, so it gives the illusion of carbonation, and is a great alternative for when you have a soda/caffeine craving and want to stay on track.

In addition to these products, Herbalife offers just about anything else you could every want. From protein bars and other weight loss products and supplements, to pre and post workout aids (Herbalife 24 Fitness Line), lotion, shampoo, soap, sleep aids, clothing, cups, shaker bottles - the list is almost endless. It's kind of crazy.

Q: Okay, so what should I order?

A: I always recommend the "quick start" option, which includes your choice of Formula 1 flavor, a bottle of Formula 2, a bottle of Formula 3, and a bottle of the Herbal Tea mix, also in your choice of flavor. That goes for $113.00. After that, I suggest you purchase a canister of Protein Powder, your choice of Chocolate or Vanilla, for $47.95, and a bottle or two of the Aloe Concentrate $29.80. So, for a grand total of $220.55, you have more than enough to begin your own journey.

Does that mean you need to order the extras? No. If you are more comfortable starting out with the "quick start" package only, that is completely fine. You can always add on the extras at a later date. Or, if you prefer, you can make your own program.

Q: How do I order?

A: In order to get the products, you have to go through a consultant. If you go to Herbalife.com, you can search for a consultant in your area. Or, if you prefer, you can order directly through me, as I am a consultant!

All you have to do is email me at brooke.crane89@gmail.com to get started. We can work together to put you on your own path to whatever it is you want to focus on through Herbalife as soon as possible.

Q: Is it worth the cost?

A: That is up to you. If you are like me, who has always struggled with weight, has a hard time staying on track, and wants to make a positive change that allows you to actually see results, then I say yes. Yes, it is absolutely worth the cost. Because really, what price can you put on your health?



As always, if there are additional questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. I am more than happy to answer anything I can to help put you at ease about starting a new program, as it can be intimidating. Or, for those of you who are skeptical of this entire idea, reach out. I was there, and now, I am proud to say that I lead an Herbalifestyle, and have not felt this good in a long, long time.

Hopefully, this was helpful for those of you interested. I hope you're as excited to get started as I am to show you the way!

Thanks for being interested, supportive, and inquisitive of this lifestyle change of mine. I really do appreciate it more than you will ever know. <3

Trading In The Green Mountains

So I know I promised that I would reveal our little secret like... a week ago. You will have to forgive me, as The Mister and I have been running around like crazy for the past couple of weeks making sure things are in order.

Since my last post, many of you have been contacting me with questions about whats going on in our life. We are already engaged, so that's off the table, meaning there have been some pretty creative scenarios for our big secret. Of them include:

Baby (or babies... like suddenly I'm going to be Octomom.)
Aquired a pet (exotic or otherwise.)
Eloped in either Mexico, Canada, or Las Vegas.
Married by someone named Midnight Elvis during aforementioned elopement.
Married by Midnight Elvis during aforementioned elopement due to Octomom babies.
Purchased an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, where we will be living out the rest of our days high on the hog from our successful bank robbery, which is the only way we would every be able to purchase an island.

Well, my dear friends and followers, I am pleased to inform you we have not eloped, we will not be welcoming the pitter patter of little feet into our lives any time soon, there is no island and there is no Elvis. Or Vegas. Or pets (YET!)

So, what is this big news?

Our big reveal.

Of what's going on.

That we are finally ready to share.

With you.

The masses.

ARE YOU READY?!



Although we will not be purchasing an island or moving to an exotic land, The Mister and I will be moving at the end of the month! On May 26th, we will me moving from Burlington, Vermont to Dover, New Hampshire. The Mister was offered an amazing job as director of catering for a high-end catering company in the area. He will be starting in the beginning of June.

Let me just put this into perspective for you - about a month and a half ago, The Mister got the offer. We were unsure of if we wanted to leave, to take that leap of faith, pick up and relocate in a whole new state. We went back and forth, explored all possible options, decided to stay. Then go. Then stay. We drew more pro-con lists than we could count, which varied depending on the day. We just about drove ourselves crazy. Then, while reading my horoscope at the gym, I got this -

 

Anyone who knows me knows I believe in signs. I believe in the idea that "everything happens for a reason." I believe that what is meant to be will be, whether you feel "ready" for it or not. And this was a huge, flashing, cosmic green light.

 

Since we made the definitive decision, it is remarkable how fast the pieces have fallen into place. We decided to move in with my childhood best friend, who already lives in the area. We found an apartment that is affordable, adorable, and HUGE compared to our current tiny living space. We gave our notices at our respective jobs. We upended our life here within a matter of weeks.

 

 I did the math. I've lived in the Burlington area for seven years. Seven. I have called this place home since I left my parents for my first year at UVM. It is the only place I have known other than where I grew up. I should be terrified to move, or even apprehensive at the least. Especially since I do not have a job yet. And we are moving in just over a week.

 

On the contrary, it is absolutely liberating. I feel excited, ecstatic, and completely certain, something I haven't felt this strongly in a long time. Some may be saying "you're leaving a salaried job with no plans or anything lined up to move to a new state and start over? What's wrong with your life here?"

 

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with my life here. My life is beautiful, wonderous, and full. But why can't it be that way somewhere else?

 

I do have some stuff "in the works" but it's not anywhere near ready enough to share yet, so I am going to keep in under wraps for a bit longer. (Those of you that know me also know I am super sueprstitious, and so I don't want to jinx anything!) I can say that it is going to be incredible when it finally comes to frutition, and I can't wait to really make it happen.

 

So, this weekend we are moving all of our belongings into our new place, setting up, then coming back to tie up loose ends and finish out our final week in BTV before we call somewhere new our home.

 

Here's to leaps of faith, cosmic go-aheads, and new adventures!

 

 

Leaps Of Faith Are How We Get Around

So, the Mister and I are taking a leap of faith. I can't quite reveal what that entails yet, but I can tell you big changes are on the horizon for us. Big, exciting, wonderful changes.

That scare the bejeezus out of me.

Isn't it always so tough to come out of our comfort zones? To look something that terrifies you in the face, then slap it repeatedly until it succumbs to you? Take for example, this particular health journey I have found myself on. Publically admitting my story, my shortcomings, my failures, my strengths and accompishments- my life to whoever may be reading... it was a leap of faith. Thankfully, I have been caught in the arms of so many supporters, but it was still hard to do.

This next leap is a little higher up. It's a little further to get on solid ground. It's a little tricker to let go.

But it will be okay. And when we are ready to let the proverbial cat out of the bag, it will be glorious.

Part of this leap of faith has included looking into employment opportunities to "expand my horizons" and "get my feet wet" in a new area of interest to me - nutrition.  More specifically health and wellness coaching, like my fabulous coach from Your Fountain of Health, LisaRenee. I have been exploring getting my certification for Health and Wellness coaching, as it is something I am recently passionate about.

Before dumping the dough into tuition costs for the Integrative Institute for Nutrition (IIN), which would be the program I would like to complete, I decided it was best to strike out on my own and figure out what the world of nutrition looked like. As I mentioned before, the desire to "get my feet wet" while working part-time for a wellness club or something similar sounded appealing. I immediately began searching for something in that wheelhouse and came across a Craigslist ad for "Wellness Coach."

Sounds like something to be interested in, right?

I went to the interveiw, where I was given an herbal tea, a shake, and educated on the benefits of the Herbalife line.

I'm not going to lie... the shakes were damn good. As was the "drink and shrink" tea, which was enhanced with mango aloe to aid the stomach with digestion. I sat with my shake and listened to the history of Herbalife, the way it was founded and continued to grow. testimonials from other wellness coaches and those at the health club. I got a free wellness evaluation and stood on a scale that measured my body fat percentage, muscle persentage, and (the scariest of all) metabolic age. Which was 50. Years. Old.

I am 24.

I was shocked. I know I'm not the most in-shape person in the world but I feel like I've really taken some serious steps towards personal health. Which makes me think - what was I before I started on this journey? More surprising was my not-quite 30 year old Mister clocking in at a metabolic age of 80.

Clearly, we both needed a change.

I took a leap of faith. I signed up to be an Herbalife distributor immediately. I figured, why not? I can sell some stuff, make a little side money, maybe more. I can get a quality product for a discounted price and start adding it to my shakes, etc. to try it out. I got the starter pack and left to go home and anxiously wait for it. It wasn't until after leaving the warm glow of the health club that I decided to look at Herbalife reviews,of which about 50 percent were positive and 50 percent not so positive.

Most negatie reviews reflected on the pricing, the "pyramid scheme" marketing, and the way in which Herbalife was viewed in "caring more about the sale than the person buying it." Postiive reviews came from Herbalife-stylers with a success story, most of them focusing on how the Herbalife meal replacement program was NOT their only way of "eating" but that it helped them in finding a routine and making better choices with the food they chose to eat. As someone who has been attempting to make that switch for some time now and replaced my first meal of the day with a shake myself, I can relate.

Which brings me to the question I want to ask you, the readers: what do you think? Is it a scam or is it a tool? Is it something legitimate or is it a way to make a quick buck? Have you tried the Herbalife-style? If not, have you tried any other meal replacement programs, such as Beach Body or Advocare? What did you think? (I looked into comparisons of meal replacement programs a bit here for anyone who is not familiar with the aforementioned product lines.)

As I am someone who cannot back something unless I give it a good try, the jury is still out on my end. I will be ordering some Herbalife shakes/protein/other goodies (Liftoff, for example. My Mister is hooked already!) and having a go at it. Who knows? It may change my life, as it has done for so many others in my shoes. I can say that I am well aware it is NOT a replacement for food, for exercise, for doing the hard work myself. It is not a "quick fix" or long-term solution to weight loss or "healthy" when utilized alone - NOTHING IS. But, if it will aid me in becoming a happier, healthier me, in reaching my goals both physically and mentally, then it's worth a shot.

Or, at least, a fair shake.

Hang On For Dear Life

First of all, I would like to - once again - thank all of my family, friends, loves, supporters, strangers and anyone else who has taken the time to stop by this little corner of the internet I call my own and read what I've written. As well as those who have liked photographs and postings on both Facebook and Instagram (@br00ki), texted, called, hugged and encouraged me to continue on this journey to health. It's much appreciated and impossible without you. (I know this seems like deja vu for some, but I like to remind you all how awesome you are from time to time!)

It's largely due to support from people like you that I continue to track my progress. Last week, my family suffered a loss, and I derailed from my healthy track. I consumed pizza, pasta, coffee, chocolate, beer, wine, liquor, coffee, processed foods, sugars and more coffee. I then returned home from the few days I was at home and had more beer, wine, liquor, pizza and more coffee. I thought I'll be fine. It's just a few days. It won't completely screw me over.

Was I wrong.

Sunday was spent in a hangover fog. Not just from the different kinds of alcohol I consumed the night before. For the first time since I started on this health journey, I actually had a food hangover.

I've heard people say ridiculous things like that before. "Sugar hangover." "Carb crash." Similar phrases that had nothing to do with me, as I did not experience those symptoms after eating a whole pint of ice cream chased with a Domino's pizza.

Until I ate that way for five days straight after completing a detox. I had headaches, stomach problems, bloating, joint pain, fatigue. I am still thirsty. I can't stop being thirsty, although I have drank three liters of water a day since Sunday. I couldn't form complete sentences yesterday. Today, I've developed a serious head cold and have mucus like you wouldn't believe.

Straight. Up. Food hangonger.

I have never been so happy to shove leafy green vegetables in my face as I have for the past few days. I've completely steered clear of coffee and limited my carb and dairy intake once again. Smoothies and elixir every morning. Haven't gotten back to the gym yet this week, which is partially due to feeling awful and partially due to sleep disabling my alarm (funny how your body goes on autopilot when you really need sleep) every day this week. I did have a two mile run at my parent's house mid-binge, most of which was uphill, meaning I haven't completely fallen off the exercise wagon. The fact that my shorts catching on the way off was my only prevention is irrelevant.

I don't see these instances as failures. I belive that is one of the biggest areas I've grown since beginning this journey to a happier, healthier me. Before, I would have been completely pissed at myself for sliding so far back that I would have just said forget it all. I would have relentlessly beaten myself to a pulp mentally so I felt too worthless to continue on. I wouldn't have allowed myself to get back up.

I am happy to report that not only have I gotten back up, I have also - by the grace of all the Fitness Gods - maintained the weight I was at before leaving for home. Maybe that one short run I took was enough to prevent the scales from tipping too far? Maybe I was conscious enough of my food intake that I didn't dig myself into a hole too deeply. Maybe I ate so many awful things that my body just expelled them all, which is a very possible scenario.

Or maybe I just got lucky. Either way, I'm back up on that wagon again. I'm learning new things about myself and my habits that make it a little easier to hang on for longer periods of time. I'm learning that it truely is a journey, a ride.

And sometimes the only thing we can do is hang on for dear life.

Slashing Through the Cycle

Hellooooo, Vietnam!!

(If you read that in a Robin William voice, I commend you.)

I have been taking a break from the blog to tend to some personal affairs. As my previous post stated, my shoulder's strength and breadth have definitely been tested over the past few weeks. I would like to say I stuck to my clean eating ways through the trials and tribulations I have been facing, but I would be lying. In fact, if I've learned anything from the stress of the past few weeks, it's that I absolutely use food as a crutch.

Most people might have a bad day, come home, have a glass of wine with dinner or a cold beer. Maybe some chocolate. I come home and begin stuffing my face with anything and everything that I can find in order to forget about whatever it is that happened, whatever I'm going through, or whoever pissed me off that day. Chocolate chips, crackers, popcorn, grapes, ice cream, cheese, crackers, leftovers, my right shoe, a plate, my computer (secret is out. Now you know why I've been MIA lately!)

The positive side of making the switch to healthy eating is we have very little unhealthy choices in our house anymore, much to The Mister's dismay most of the time. Usually I am in control enough to kill my craving with something that's a healthy alternative to whatever comfort food I really want. Not the case within the past two weeks.

One particularly stressful night, The Mister and I ventured to the grocery store and purchased a frozen foods schmorgus board - Bagel Bites, fried ravioli and pork egg rolls. After shorting out the microwave, undercooking the rolls, and demolishing the majority of what we'd purchased, we both sat back on our couch and felt an immense satisfaction at the choice we had made. This was quickly overtaken with guilt, disgust, and an immediate upset stomach.

These meals are few and far between, even more so now that I am attempting to make better choices. However, when these meals happen, my mindset is usually whelp! Already screwed myself over... might as well just scrap the whole day. So I keep eating things I know will only continue to dig that pit of shame and guilt in my stomach, and I'll continue to try and fill it with processed food, refined sugar and transfats.

Does this vicious cycle sound familiar to anyone else?

Food can be a powerful drug. There are studies (that I have not sited and will not take the time to research right now because The Mister is waiting to snuggle!) that foods have as strong if not stronger hold on some people than most hard drugs. (Google it... I swear it's true!) The hardest part is you can't cut food out of your life like you can other drugs, because you need it to survive. What you can do is cut out those foods that you know are trigger foods for you when you're stressed. Me? The less chocolate and "fried" food (chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, other processed frozen quick microwaveable options) I have at my disposal, the better. After a long day of work filled with crazy kids and bad vibes, I want nothing more than to house an entire tub of chocolate ice cream topped with Tostino's Pizza Rolls and mozzerella sticks. I also want to avoid the crushing disappointment, bloating, and in most cases pain that will ensue after devouring my "fix."

I am learning new ways to cope every day. I slipped up, yes, but for every unhealthy choice I've made recently, I've attempted to counter it with a good meal. Or a trip to the gym. Or a home workout, even if it's only 15 minutes. Have I lost any more weight? No. Have I gained weight? Yes, two pounds, which you would know is a miracle if you had been a fly on the wall in my life lately. It's not "measurable" progress, but each time I give in to the cravings and start the cycle, it's another reminder that eating for momentary comfort is not worth it in the long run. And every time I slip up and refuse to completely derail myself for the remainder of the day, I consider that not only progress, but a huge win on my part.

It's like this incredibly insightful and relatable quote I found on Instagram a while ago says: "When you get a flat tire, you don't go ahead and slash the other three just because." Right? Makes total sense! Instead, you throw on that donut, get back behind the wheel, and keep on trucking towards your destination.

And if you need a push to get going, ask for help. You'd be surprised who knows how to change a tire!

Why You Should Work Shoulders While At The Gym

"We all have a destiny in accordance to the breadth of our shoulders. My shoulders are broad."

                                                                      -Placido Domingo-

This quote embodies my life lately. It's as if my destiny decided the past two weeks were perfect for testing just how much I can take, like "hmm... this girl has had it good for a while. Let's throw everything we have at her and see what she does."

We have all been there - the curled up in bed, perpetually crying and hurting all over days. Or the angry for no reason at all except for you simply exist days. Or the days where those closest to you feel like strangers and no matter how hard you try to fake that smile you feel like the very center of your being is rebeling against you, screaming "STOP FAKING, BITCH, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE MISERABLE!" It becomes not only a heavy burden on your shoulders but a wet, woolen coat that wraps itself around you like a straight jacket you can't shake. It strangles you and seeps into you until it becomes you, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. No matter how many people try and help you shrug it off, it's your new permanent accessory.

We have also all made it through these times. We have come out on the other side, into the sunshine where that wet coat slowly dries out. It becomes a little easier to move, every day it's feeling lighter. Then it gets too warm inside the coat, and you're sweating from the thick wool and you're itchy and irritated and you realize this coat is interfering with your tanlines. With your sunny day. Your happiness. Your life!

So you do it. You shuck that coat like a dead corn husk and leave it behind. Forgotten. Left in a dirty, grey pile somewhere far away while you enjoy your sunny, wonderful life. You hardly remember what made you put the coat on in the first place, and even if you do, it's more like you're wearing an itchy sweater or a too-tight scarf for a fleeting moment before you're back enjoying your own sunny, warm, wonderful life.

I'm not going to go into detail about my own coat. I am also not looking for pity or condolances, but instead hoping that my words will help someone shed their own heavy coat they've been wearing for a while. Or start to dry it out. Or at least let them know they won't be wearing it forever, just like I know my situation is only temporary. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone outside your situation or see it written down in front of your face to realize there is an end and you will be okay. YOU WILL BE OKAY. WE WILL ALL BE OKAY.

So go ahead, destiny - keep it coming. My shoulders are not only wide, but they are strong, and will handle whatever you've got.

Food Is Where The Family Is

I have decided that Friday will be my official weigh-in day.

The reason for this is two-fold. First, I am working towards becoming less scale-obsessed and more focused on how I feel at the end of the day. Secondly, I chose Friday because I can usually stay on track all week and give a little bit on the weekends. Last weekend, as you may recall, I indulged a little much and ended up gaining back some pounds. Post-morning potty break on Friday, I stepped onto the scale again to see what a week of hard work and diligence had gotten me, and was pleased to see 241 under my feet once again. Back to my post-detox weight! I won't lie, I did a little jig in front of the mirror. It was nice to know I had hit my baseline once again, especially since the Mister and I were heading out on a weekend getaway after work.

Friday afternoon I finished up with my last client, we packed the Pathfinder and journeyed to Mountainland (read: New Hampshire) for a weekend with my family. We try to make it home once a month or so but it's been since Christmas so we were well overdue for a backwoods country mini-vacation with shoddy cell service and relaxation a-plenty. And food. LOTS of food.

My mother is a saint who raised not only her own two wild women, but my twin step-brothers as well, who will be graduating from high school this June. As we have established, I love food. I always have, and mealtime was where I really packed it away. My sister has always been more of a "grazer" so she never really ate much at mealtimes, but man - could she destroy some snacks! Whole boxes of Cheez-its and bags of chips would enter her childhood bedroom and never return on a daily basis. After we had grown up and moved out, my mother most likely breathed a sigh of relief  - two less bottomless pits to feed. Unfortunately, she hadn't experienced a growing teenage boy before, nevermind two at the same time, and when puberty hit my brothers it hit hard, fast, and hungry.

It was all my poor mother could do to keep food on the table. Loaves of bread, sleeves of cheese, chips, cookies, crackers, Little Debbie Snacks (a staple in my household) all demolished within days of coming home from the grocery store. Not to mention that my 250+ pound, 6'2" stepfather was also putting a dent in the weekly grocery haul. It still amazes me to this day that she could not only buy enough for everyone, but more than enough, and all for under 200 dollars a week.

Our typical dinner table growing up included a protein (usually whatever was on sale) one or two bags of steamed veggies, a rice or noodle side, two pans of quick bread (banana, pumpkin, etc.) or cinnamon rolls (my brothers have an unhealthy obsession with the orange glazed ones) and some kind of homemade dessert and/or ice cream. There was always enough for an army, rarely any left over, and if you didn't eat within 10 minutes of sitting down you missed out on seconds.

Based on this, is it any wonder that when I began cooking for myself, a whole box of pasta seemed logical to cook off when making spaghetti? Or that I would purchase 10lbs of chicken at one go and expect to cook it all at once? Clearly, there was a learning curve, one that I  think I took going 99mph and crash landing down a rocky ravine that ended in wasted food, time and money. Unfortunately, realizing that bread, cheese, and carbs should not be the main staples of my diet is a learning curve I've taken at a snails pace with a flat tire and the gas light on.

At first glance, my mother and sister both commented on my smaller frame and healthy glow immediately. My mother asked me about my eating habits, what I'd changed, what I "could" and "couldn't" eat ( "whatever I damn well please but I have been making healthier choices, Mom!") I brought along my "smoothie box" full of chia seeds, flax, raw cacao powder, and various other ingredients to give my mother a smoothie lesson, which my grandmother also go in on when she stopped in to visit. I made healthy choices most of the time when we went out for lunch or dinner, and when I chose to order onions rings instead of salad, I wasn't gripped with deep-seeded guilt and disappointment, especially because the rest of my meal was pretty on point.

On Sunday night, before we trekked back to the Green Mountain State, my mother was in the kitchen making a huge meal for all of us, as she usually does when all of her kids are home. A steaming hot Shepard's pie and a huge loaf of crusty garlic bread sat on the stove when she was finished. I grabbed a family sized bag of broccoli from the freezer and steamed it up, and we all sat down as a family and enjoyed the food and the company of each other in hungry silence.

The food is always my favorite part of going home. Nothing brings people together like food, and there is nothing like a home-cooked meal at the hands of my mother. The difference was this time, I had normal, human-sized portions of Shepard's pie, a whole lot of broccoli and one slice of garlic bread. I ate until I was full, not stuffed. I drank a lot of water and ate slowly. I didn't deprive myself of sharing in the moment with those I love, but I did not allow myself to gorge and then fall into the self-loathing vortex a half hour later. Definitely a small victory for me, but an even bigger victory lay in the way that my family took a general interest in my new lifestyle and were able to see results, both in my body and in my overall demeanor.

The biggest victory of all for the weekend was that the Mister and I picked a wedding venue and a date! It's absolutely perfect, as you can see here , and we could not be more thrilled to finally begin the meat and potatoes of wedding planning and start watching it all come together. I am, of course, the most excited to start looking for "the dress." The best part? I know when I find it, I will be slipping into it with a lot less effort and a whole new world of confidence.

(PSST!!! Want to start your own journey to a healthy, happy you? Email LisaRenee at yourfountainofhealth@yahoo.com to recieve a FREE E-BOOK complete with 9 LIFE CHANGING SMOOTHIE RECIPES! It's free, it's fabulous, it's delicious... and did I mention it's free?)

Living In The Grey

For about a year, I have been seeing a therapist.

This isn't something most people openly admit. Being in the mental health business, I am more than aware of the stigma surrounding something as important as personal mental health. More than one of the kiddos I work with refuse to call me their anything other than their "friend" when we're in the community because it's embarrassing to have a "counselor" or a "social worker" in their presence.

I sat in my therapist's sunny corner office this week sipping my Chocolate Covered Kale smoothie (from Your Fountain of Health - email yourfountainofhealth@yahoo.com to get 9 LIFE CHANGING SMOOTHIES from LisaRenee!) and discussed my weekend with her. I shared that I was feeling disappointed in myself for my weekend binge. I told her about my friends coming to visit and how we had an excellent time, but that my body was still catching up from "being bad."

This is where she stopped me mid-sentence and told me very seriously that it "rubbed her the wrong way" when the words good and bad were utilized in regards to food. She asked me why I thought this was the default language most people use when speaking about their diet choices, and I couldn't really give her an answer.

Why does it have to be so black and white? Positive or negative? Have you ever really thought about it? I know for me, as I've previously stated, that my weight and size have always been a personal struggle. When I am in a "good" place, eating clean and exercising regularly, I am confident and happy. I am also rigid, strict, and feel like an immediate failure whenever I even taste something that may not be on my plan (side note, I don't like the word "diet"... makes me think of fad diets that don't work. Trust me, I've tried them all.)

We discussed alternate ways to look at language surrounding food; "choices" vs. "bad" or "good"... "treat" vs. "cheat"... taking the black and white and making it grey. No longer looking at food as just a positive or negative experience, but a neutral source of nourishment. After processing, I came to realize that out of the nearly 72 hours I spent with my friends, MAYBE 12 of them were spent making less than healthy choices. Even then, I had a huge salad with my pulled pork sandwich from the Mister's BBQ feast and made sure I drank water throughout the night between hard apple ciders. When it was put into perspective for me, I felt a lot less "bad" about myself and my choices. In fact, I was pretty damn proud of myself! It could have been way worse, or started a slippery slope to continuing to make unhealthy choices. I could be stuffing my face with pizza topped with an entire sleeve of Oreo's.

But I'm not.

We also discussed ways to make treats less guilty and more enjoyable. Planning your treats in advance so you know when you'll indulge takes the stress out of the equation because you know when it's coming and, most of the time, what it is you'll be having. Making your treats healthy versions of the real thing (like these AMAZING chocolate chip oat cookies from Simply Whole Foods found on this blog that are Chef Hoyt approved!) helps ease the blow, although you still can't have twenty in a sitting. Lastly, if you do deviate from your plan and have a cupcake or a cup of coffee - give yourself a break! We are humans, we are spontaneous creatures by nature. I struggle the most with this one, but I also know that one spontaneous treat once in a while will not kill me or completely derail my progress.

Now I want to turn the tables and ask you: how do you look at food? Do you have the "good" vs. "bad", black and white mentality? Do you exist somewhere in the grey? Are you on a diet or a healthy lifestyle plan? Most importantly, will you help me in changing the language around the food we eat and the mentality around the choices we make?

Let's make it okay to live in the grey.

In The Clear and Off The Wagon

Tuesday was the final day of the Your Fountain of Health detox program.

I stepped on the scales that morning... 241lbs.

Since I started writing this blog, I've lost 7 lbs. Since I started the detox, I've lost 11lbs. Not only that, but I went from 43 inches around both hips and waist to 41 inches around for my hips and 39 inches around for my waist. A total of 6 INCHES.

To celebrate, the Mister and I went out to dinner. We went to Applebees, where he got the chicken fajita roll up with a big ol' crispy side of fries. I ordered a grilled chicken breast with creamy parmesean sauce served over a bed of brown rice and sauteed spinach. I won't lie, I am a sucker for french fries and anything that vaguely resembles a burrito, so when Danny's dinner came out I was a little jealous. However, due to my healthy choice, I allowed myself to polish off the rest of my chocolate Almond Dream ice cream when we got back home.

I went to bed that night feeling accomplished. I woke up the next three mornings, drank my elixir, mixed my smoothies, stayed on track. I continued to feel good about myself, my progress, my health.

Until this weekend.

Friday morning I woke up, slugged my elixir, made myself a Cranberry Bliss smoothie and went off to work with my packed lunch and healthy snacks. About halfway through the day, one of my best friends from college, Bernice (yes, that's her real name) and her girlfriend arrived in Burlington for a previously planned weekend stay at our place. When I returned home from work, I made myself some delicious, healthy dinner, sat down with my lemon water and my Mister and waited for Bee and her lady, Ashley (and their ADORABLE boxer, Dexter) to make their entrance. Which they did a few hours later... with wine and beer.

I restrained myself to only one glass of Merlot, since it is my favorite, and continued with my standard lemon water throughout the evening. The next morning was elixir, Green Smoothie Madness, and then brunch with the girls while the Mister toiled away at work. I got a decaf cup of coffee - black - and a special chedder and feta hash with red potatoes, peppers, onions and kale. It was delicious, perfectly portioned, and I had a hard time finishing it.

Shortly afterwards, it went downhill.

If you didn't know, Vermont is kind of a micro-brew mecca. Switchback, Longtrail, Otter Creek, just to name a few. The one that most everyone has at least heard of is Magic Hat, located in beautiful South Burlington. If you're 21 and in Northern Vermont for any amount of time, it is almost a rite of passage to attend a tour and fill up a growler with one of their hundreds of rotating beers on tap. (More information can be found here , for those of you who are interested - and 21!)

Being the amazing man that he is, the Mister hooked us all up with a VIP tour, courtesy of his beer guy at work. We got to go behind the scenes and see where the "Magic" (pun intended) is created, as well as the GAZILLION boxes of beer that are in storage. It. Was. Amazing. And, of course, ended with a tasting.

Long story short, we went from Magic Hat, where we had four one-ounce taster beers each, to Big Fatty's BBQ, where the Mister prepared a GIGANTIC southern feast complete with pulled pork, brisket, smoked chicken and macaroni and cheese. Then, downtown, where much alcohol was had by all, finished off with a big, greasy slice of cheese pizza at my old college haunt, Mr. Mikes.

Did I enjoy myself? You bet I did. Was I seriously hurting the next morning? Absolutely. Am I still feeling the effects of my little binge? Yes, yes I am. To the point where I had to pull into a Dunkin Donuts while on the road between home visits today for an emergency restroom break. Do I regret it?

Not a chance.

The one thing I have learned in my short 24 years on this earth is exactly that; it's short. My days are so filled with mundane tasks, stress, bills, rules, regulations, headaches, do's and dont's - times are few and far between where I am allowed to let loose and get wild, especially with those I really love and care about. That doesn't mean I will gorge myself at every given opportunity, but I will make sure not to completely deprive myself either. It's a balance I will constantly fight, more than likely for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm okay with it.

So this morning, I got right back on the clean eating wagon. Elixir, smoothie for breakfast, salad with chicken and sweet potato for lunch, healthy snacks, and THIS 

A Chef Hoyt original: butterflied chicken, sauteed veggies, brown rice pilaf. All completely clean. To quote the classically French trained Mister himself "and you told me I couldn't cook without butter and cream!"

Well, baby, you are more than welcome to keep proving me wrong.

Sweet Dreams and Little Victories

My plan last night to begin introducing grains into my diet failed miserably. Not because I got violently ill or had a near-death experience (nothing quite that dramatic, sorry!) My plans were thwarted by a sore throat. I demolished half a bag of cherry Ricola cough drops while watching a documentary on the epidemic of prescription pain med abuse in Vermont (watch the trailer here) with little to no relief. This was after guzzling enough water to keep me going to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, sipping hot tea with lemon, and taking ibuprofen.

The icing on the cake was when I returned home to find my future husband in the kitchen, cleaning up from a delicious dinner of completely clean roasted chicken and sweet potatoes he had prepared as a surprise for me to come home to. Believe me, there was nothing I wanted more than to sit down and dig into whatever was making our apartment smell so heavenly Instead I sat down and cried.

"Really, Brooke? You cried? Because of a little chicken?" Go ahead and judge, people. I'm not afraid to shed some completely unwarranted tears every now and then. Although, I would say these were far from "unwarranted." Let me explain why.

First of all, if you have ever tasted something that has been created at the hands of Chef Daniel Hoyt, you will know that being unable to eat whatever it is he has made you is reason enough to turn on the waterworks. Secondly, I felt bad because he had gone through all the trouble of preparing the meal just for me to be unable to eat it. Not to mention my emotions were already running high, mostly because of the extremely charged documentary I had just spent that past hour and a half sitting through, coupled with the amount of pain I was already in. It was not a pretty sight.

Thankfully, as usual, Danny came to the rescue. He wrapped up the meal and put on his coat, ready to brave the cold to bring me wherever I needed to go. We settled on Shaws, and I purchased some children's Ibuprofen and Benadryl - liquid forms to coat my thoat, a trick I learned last year around this time at the Walk-In clinic. The next hurdle was finding something for me to slide down my throat that wasn't hot or terribly unhealthy. Danny asked me if I was just going to say "forget it" and head straight for the Ben and Jerry's.

I will admit, I entertained the thought for a split second.

Then I remembered the pain. And the suffering. And the fact that I was already in pain and I was already suffering without the added discomfort of stomach issues. Not to mention the fact that I had worked my tail off to stay on track for almost TWO WEEKS, turned down cheese, Hibachi dinners, pizza, chocolate cake - to give up all that work for some ice cream?

Instead, I made my way to the "hippy aisle" (as Danny calls it) and found myself a pint of chocolate Almond Dream dairy free ice cream! The old Brooke would have destroyed the entire pint with the excuse of "it's the only thing I can eat right now" or "I'll go to the gym tomorrow and work it off." Then, she would have wallowed in self-pity and guilt, self-esteem in shambles and feeling like a failure for the rest of the night, perpetuating the process of unhealthy eating with anything that she could get her hands on to fill the disappointment pit in her gut.

I will admit, it was hard not to eat the whole pint of chocolately delicious Almond Dream in one sitting. Instead, I measured out the serving size (1/2 cup), made myself a luke-warm cup of Yogi honey lemon tea, swallowed a spoonful of straight up raw honey and had my throat-coating children's medicine cocktail for dinner. Healthy? Overall, not so much, but it could have been a lot worse! I could have given in, made excuses and then felt awful, physically and emotionally, for the remainder of the night. Instead, I drank my tea, filled myself with water, and went to bed early.

I woke up this morning a changed woman, not only because my throat was no longer on fire and I could actually breathe through my sinuses again, but because I had gotten through a situation that was chock full of excuses and reasons to undo all I've been striving towards the past week and a half without fail. I didn't fall back on old habits. I refused to budge an inch on what I'd already decided for myself. I stood strong, fought hard, and won. And that felt damn good to wake up to this morning, let me tell you!

I know that there are times I will give in. That's fine, because what's life if you can't live a little? I also know that there are going to be less times I will give in because I am uncomfortable in a situation, because it's easy, becaue it's what everyone else is doing. Because I have no excuse anymore.

The best part? I have more Almond Dream to treat myself to later on this week! Guilt-free, clean, delicious Almond Dream. One serving at a time, of course.

Die Hard

I did it. I survived the detox.

Today is the first official day of the "transition" phase, where we can start adding grains, dairy, eggs, etc. to our diets once again. I'm not going to lie... I am a little nervous to do so. Mainly because I'm at work and really hoping I don't have a severely adverse reaction to something (read: CHEESE) and end up sequestered in a stall in the restroom for an hour. Knowing my luck, that's exactly what would happen. So I decided that instead of tempting fate, I will be continuing my detox-friendly menu until tonight, when I'm home in my own bathroom and can occupy the toilet as long as I want without shame or fear that someone else needs it. (Danny doesn't count... he can pee standing up anywhere.)

In preparation, I halved and roasted off a butternut squash last night to fill with quinoa and devour tonight. Being in my half-asleep, lemonless elixir, running late state this morning I didn't think that completely through, and packed the other half for lunch with some ground turkey and sunflower seed "pate" that really came out more like liquid awesomemess. Once I finish this post, I will be heating that bad boy up, sitting down AWAY from my desk, and chewing my way through butternut squash: round 1 slowly.

It sounds trivial, but my tendency to wolf down whatever is placed in front of me is something that has become glaringly apparent this past week. Most of my meals are consumed in 10 minutes or less, usually sitting either at my desk, in my car, or on my couch. I can't even remember the last time Danny and I actually SAT DOWN at our kitchen table and enjoyed a meal together - no TV, no phones, just food and conversation.

For those that don't know, my job consists of providing community and home support to kids aged 6-22 years old who demonstrate mental health and behavioral issues. This means I am in my car anywhere from an hour to four hours a day, depending on what I've got scheduled. It's no wonder that hitting the McDonald's drive-thru is appealing, especially if you're running late due to whatever crisis inevitably happened ten minutes before your visit was supposed to end.

This also means, since my client base is primarily children, I can't meet with client's until after school. Depending on the school and travel time to and from visits, I don't get home unitl 7pm most nights, sometimes later. Let me tell you, after a full day of being constantly on-the-go, once I walk through my door, remove my shoes and my bra and sit down for the night, there is almost NOTHING that will shake me from my couch-potato state. So, of course, we order pizza. Or chinese. Or make Velveeta mac n' cheese, because it's quick, easy, and there's no shame in eating it straight from the pot. (Not at my house, at least.)

So it's of little wonder that when I'm not eating on-the-go, I'm eating with my rear-end planted in front of the tube, definitely not paying attention to what's being put in my mouth. Most of the time I don't even taste what I'm shoveling away, which may have been the most problematic self-discovery of this detox.

Two Sundays ago, I arranged all of my ingredients for the meals I would be preparing to eat for the week. I painstakingly followed each and every direction in my pre-made meal plan, portioned and packaged each meal, then tucked them safely away, ready to be eaten throughout the week. After cleaning up my kitchen, I realized I had worked up quite an appetite. I sat down with a bowl of Apple Squash Carrot soup hot off the stove, flicked on the TV and before I knew it, I was scraping the bottom of the bowl. The soup I'd spent close to two hours preparing was gone and I didn't even know what it tasted like because I hadn't cared enough to pay attention.

I immediately reached out to the group of ladies I am detoxing with and shared my plight. Their suggestions and encouragement were incredible, as well as validating. Most are moms, some of more than one kiddo, who completely understood the on-the-go feeding mentality I had allowed myself to fall into. Here are some of their suggestions I have been trying to incorporate into my daily sit-and-shovel sessions:

• Eat AWAY from your desk/workspace - this is something I still struggle with, as I mentioned most of the time I am in my car trying to get something in my stomach because I realize it's been all day and I haven't had anything but my morning coffee (or, in my case now, morning smoothie for breakfast!)
• Count how many times you chew your food - Not only will it help you slow down in the moment, it will really get you to focus on how much you've put into your mouth. I noticed that I was filling my mouth so full of food, I had to swallow some of it before it was ready to go down in order to make room to move the rest. One of my detox ladies reccommended 23 to 28 chews per bite. I forget to do it half the time, but when I do remember, I shoot for somewhere in there.
• Put the fork DOWN - you know those Looney Tunes episodes where Yosemite Sam is sitting at the table, fork and knife in hand, and a whole turkey/pig/Daffy Duck is placed in front of him? He licks his lips, digs in, and the entire meal is gone in 3 seconds (unless it's Daffy, in which case it turns into a musically accompanied escape montage usually ending with Yosemite squished, singed and/or smoking from something going horribly wrong. Lucky, that's not often the case outside of Warner Brothers.) Just like Yosemite, if you have your fork in your hand, you feel like you need to continue eating. By physically placing the fork, you give yourself, your brain and your body ample time to process whatever is already in your mouth and your stomach.
• Drink a sip of water after every couple bites - I can't remember if this was a fellow detoxer's tip or something I've heard before, but if you can remember to do it, not only does it clear your palate but it also helps fill you up quicker!

Do I do all of these every time I eat? No. Do I even remember to do one of these things when I sit down to a meal? If I'm lucky. Eating slow is something that growing up in a family of six and living in today's fast-paced world has made difficult for me, but I'm learning. Someone (my cousin and fellow detoxer Eileen) recently said that it takes 28 days make something a habit. I am committing to changing the way I eat food now into the way I appreciate food every time I sit down to a meal. Especially when I've taken the time to assemble the entire thing from scratch.

Old habits die hard? Well I'd say this one has one foot in the grave.

Find Your Wings

I would first like to say thank you for the OVERWHELMING support of my friends and family who have read this little piece of the internet I call my own. It is amazing what social networking can do nowadays... a simple post about my itty bitty blog on my profile and the flood of texts, comments, well wishes and encouragement I have been receiving all day are enough to bring a girl to tears. Seriously, I have some pretty badass people in my life as cheerleaders. It's incredible, and impossible without you.

Moving on...

For the past two days I have been immersing myself in wedding planning. By that, I mean I have been watching Say Yes To The Dress, both Bridesmaids and Brides editions, on an endless loop. I have learned I do not like silky taffeta. I want shorter dresses, charcoal grey or navy blue (jury is still out on that one) and the most important thing I've learned?

Bitches. Be. Cray.

Some of the people on that show are just outrageous! I witnessed a friendship destroyed, multiple sister feuds, a southern belle show-down, and more meltdowns than Chernobyl. It reinforces my choice to follow in my dear friend Lyndsie's footsteps and have all my girls pick their gown in the color, fabric and length I pre-designate. Eliminates (most of) the drama.

While I was watching, there was one particular bridesmaid that really struck a chord. I will say, before going any further, that I will cry at a laundry detergent commercial if it has any one of the following: old people holding hands, dads and their kids, puppies, or sappy music. Any combo of those and game over - I am a sobbing mess for at least 5 minutes afterwards.

This episode featured Jamie, a former collegiate swimmer who was uncomfortable with her new post-athletics body. She was in no way, shape or form "fat" - sure, she was a little curvy, but she was also tall and athletic. She and her sister were the only bridesmaids in her mother's small second ceremony to her stepfather, and with each dress she bravely came out on the pedestal in, you could see her self-esteem crumble. She eventually broke down to her mother and the rest of America about her hatred of her new body, how uncomfortable she felt, and how she no longer knew how to shop for herself.

I sat under my fleece blanket in my tiny apartment, mason jar of water with lemon in hand, openly weeping for this girl. It was so close to home, from the post-athlete body crisis to being in her mother's second wedding to her sister - tall, skinny, dark hair and skin. It was my family on that television and I was playing the role of Jamie.

After she found a dress that flattered her figure and actually made her smile when she looked in the mirror, I thought about how far I've come since I first felt that way. I haven't had that soul-crushing sadness about myself since September after the second turning point picture emerged (it's on my first post... if you haven't seen it yet take a peek), and that's pretty awesome for someone who's always struggled with self-esteem issues. Even when I was at my prime "fighting weight", in the best shape of my life, Senior year of college passing fitness tests and feeling good, I never felt truely good about myself. I was always the tall girl, the "big" girl, the girl that could bench press the majority of my friend base. I never thought I was sexy.

I don't know if it's the clean eating, being in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man, more maturity that comes with being 24, or just that I've finally turned that corner for myself. I'm sure it's a combination of all things, but I feel like a stone cold fox more often than not nowadays. (Okay, maybe not quite that confident yet, but definitely getting there!)

So, to all the Jamie's in the world who have gone through some changes and aren't quite sure how to navigate them yet, just keep swimming. It does get better. Eventually your low self-esteem days turn into okay days, then good days, then fan-freaking-tastic days where you suddenly feel like a Victoria Secret Model in the grocery store, strutting your stuff down the produce aisle with imaginary wings taped to your back. It's a process, it takes time, and it may not always end up the way you thought it would. But you will end up right where you are supposed to be. That's what I tell myself when I have my bad days where nothing fits right and I'd rather just devour an entire pizza and pass out then face the world. It's about having more days where you feel confident in yourself no matter what you see looking back at you when you look in the mirror.

Especially when the person looking back at you is wearing a smile. And maybe some wings.

Love Affair

I love cheese. Always have, so much so that when I was in 4th grade, I only asked for cheese for my birthday. Mozzerella, provelone, cheddar, Muenster - you name it! You'd be hard pressed to find a cheese I don't like (unless it's pepper jack... or that bacon horseradish nonsense. You don't mess with perfection, people!) I like to look at cheese as my longest standing relationship, always there when I need it no matter what time of night or how I want it. It's wrapped so many of the foods I love in it's warm, ooey-gooey embrace. It's never let me down.

Until this year.

I've never been one to drink a glass of milk just because it's milk. If it's laden with chocolate syrup or served alongside chocolate chip cookies, that's a different story entirely. Straight up milk has never sat well with me anyway, which was to be expected. My mother gave me many of her good qualities - her dairy intolerance was not one of those. I could still enjoy treats like ice cream, yogurt, and of course cheese with the use of a daily probiotic. Who cares about a little moo juice at that point, amiright?

Shortly before my 24th birthday, I began to notice intense cramping after visiting with my two main men - Ben and Jerry - on multiple occasions. Then, yogurt became hard to handle, making morning parfaits less exciting and mornings at the office awkward. A few months ago, I made a batch of homemade "poor man's" mac n cheese. Noodles, butter, cheese, all in the microwave until it's swimming in a delectable hot mess. I sat down with my bowl of deliciousness and destroyed it in under 5 minutes flat while watching Law&Order SVU. Ten minutes later... well, lets just say it looked like a crime scene in my bathroom when I was through.

I blamed it on the flu. I blamed it on microwave rays making my food temporarily radioactive. I blamed it on everything but my sweet friend, Mr. Cheese. Unfortunately, the next few times I ate something cheesy and the same thing happened, I could no longer deny the truth. My beloved had betrayed me.

It wasn't until I began LisaRenee's detox progam through Your Fountain of Health (https://www.facebook.com/fountainofhealthforplanthappypeople) that I really started to take a look at this long-standing relationship. The first four days of the "transition" period I worked at cutting back on cheese, along with grains, refined sugars and coffee, none of which are allowed. As Detox Day loomed on the horizon, my fiance and I made turkey burgers with brussel sprouts, red potato fries and loads of CHEESE DRIPPING ALL OVER THE PLACE OH MY GOD IT'S GLORIOUS. It was incredibly delicious, and resulted in some of the worst stomach pain I've ever experenced well into the night. The next day I started the actual detox with gusto, the memory of all the pain, exhaustion, and irritability of losing a night's sleep to stomach issues fueling me on.

If you've never heard of LisaRenee and her Fountain of Health, get acquainted and get in touch with her. It is incredible the transformation I've seen in myself and it hasn't even been a week yet. She provdes participants with all the keys to success - meal plans, shopping lists, daily email and/or Facebook support, information and education - the list goes on and on. I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to participate in this program and will be singing it's praises as long as I can croon a tune. I can't wait to see where I am on the 27th when we wrap up, but based on my progress so far I know it will be a much better place than where I started. I know I will have learned even more about myself and my body by the end of this thing, but if I were to end it today, I can already take away so much it's astounding. I know I will be closer to my weight loss goal, which is exciting. And I am certain that these lessons, recipes, and feelings of self-confidence and pride are something that I will never forget.

But where does that leave me in my tryst with Mr. Cheese? It leaves me re-evaluating our affair for sure, and although I don't think I could ever fully leave him, I will be keeping a little more distance between us. He's proven he cannot be trusted to treat my body the way it deserves.

Maybe Mr. Kale needs a new main squeeze?

Not Another Fitness Blog.

I always feel like I have to start out like an AA meeting:

"Hi, my name is Brooke, and I have a weight problem."

The truth is I have had a weight problem since I knew what "being fat" was. My mother has an hourglass figure after two kids at almost 50 years old. My sister is one of those size 0, tall, model types. I joke that she got all the skinny and I got all the smarts. It's not far from the truth, although I can't say I got ALL of them.

I have always played sports, from touch football at the tender age of 4 until my last field hockey game of my college career in 2010. After the final whistle blew, I walked off the field, packed up my gear, and swore off all exercise for a year to allow myself to "recover" from four years of bodily abuse. As a result, as you can imagine, I gained a substantial amount of weight. FORTY POUNDS, to be exact, mostly consisting of beer, beer, Mcdonalds and - you guessed it - more beer.

See the white tent all the way to the left? That was me circa 2011.

 

 

 

Most people have their "turning point" picture, the picture that makes them say "oh dear sweet Jesus who is that wearing my face!?" For me, that was this picture. I have never claimed to be small, but I had also never been so heavy in my entire life. 240 pounds was a number I did not think I would ever see underneath my feet when I stepped on a scale, and to my horror, I had proven myself wrong.  

 

I hit the gym. I ate my veggies and drank my water. I dropped about 30 of the post-grad 40 I had accumulated. Then, I ran a half-marathon on my 23rd birthday to celebrate my success.

 

 

September 30th, 2012. 200(ish) lbs post-race, double fisting the best beer I've ever drank.

 

It was the happiest I had been in a long time. I felt like me again, like the athlete in me no longer had to kick and scream to be recognized amidst the massive body it was trapped in. I had come to think the only way I could be "fit" was to continue killing myself physically in the way I'd done for four year as a Division I athlete, a fact I did not like but could not refuse given the results.  

 

In December of 2012, I met him. Chef Daniel Hoyt, a classically French trained culinary genius with a heart of gold. The first time he cooked me a meal, it was all over. Amidst adventures, laughter, many home-cooked meals and tuck-away nights full of beer, wine and fabulous food, our love and friendship grew. Not surprisingly, so did my waistline, but I didn't care... Danny loved me for me, not my size. As a matter of fact, he even put a ring on it in September 2013.

 

 



 

 

I said yes, obviously... especially because when he popped the question, I looked like this -

 

 

 

August - October 2013. That woman in the photo is not a supemodel, but the average sized head coach of our Lady Seahorses fied hockey team. I am the assistant Varsity Whale - er... coach.

 

 

 

This was another turning point picture for me. Notice the shorts are the same I wore for my half marathon... exept then they didn't look like spandex a year earlier. When this picture was displayed for the entire team, their parents, and my fellow coaching staff at our end of the year banquet, I was mortified. I couldn't BELIEVE this was me, that I'd let myself get to this place AGAIN!

 

I promptly purchased a scale and became weight obsessed. Multiple times a day I'd step on, elated when even an ounce came off and crushed when the numbers went the other way. To be honest, I was close to developing an eating disorder. I thought about hitting the toilet after meals or slipping a few laxatives into my morning coffee to speed up the process. This was something not even Danny knew (until I read him the draft of this post) but because of his unwaivering love and support I did not start down that slippery slope. Doesn't mean I didn't think of "quick fix", unhealthy solutions for weight loss every. Single. Day.   

 

I had lost almost 20 pounds by the time I tried on bridesmaids dresses for my friend's upcoming wedding. Myself, my friend's sister and three other bridesmaids began the process of finding the perfect gown. I found mine quickly, my biggest concern being my top-half and how to contain it in whatever dress I chose. Once we'd all made selections, the nice little saleswoman measured me up and wrote down my dress size, which until then I had been clueless of.

 

20. I was a size TWENTY.  

 

I set a goal for myself right there - 3 sizes in 3 months. I joined a gym, started eating "clean" (most of the time) and have been working at shedding the weight slowly. Will I make my goal of size 17 by the February fitting? Maybe not, but I am going to try my hardest.

 

Baby steps are how I have to work, or else I get overwhelmed and self-destruct. I know this about myself, along with a few other things. I know I love food, specifically chocolate, cheese, and fried items. I know that I would rather drink a Diet Coke, coffee, or creamy, dark stout beer 9 times out of 10 instead of water. I know that I will never be "skinny", "little", "petite" or anything remotely close to those adjectives. I also know that I am a fighter, I am determined, and I will achieve my goals in my own time. I may not be where I want to be yet, physically or mentally, but I am certain that I am well on my way.  

 

This is my story, and I'm going to write it my way, on my time. If you take the time to read it, thank you, and welcome on the Road to 180.